In honor of bigfoot hunters, conspiracy theorists, and metalheads everywhere, I have decided to make a list of the current top ten neandercore and squatch-themed metal songs. The focus is on lyrical content more than what song is best. For diversity, only one track is included per band. Knowing how scene kids are really pissy about these lists, I must inform you that this is my opinion. One thing remains true though: they walk among us.
"Neanderthal" - Demolition Hammer
Kicking off the list is a piece by the New York thrashers DEMOLITION HAMMER. I think you get the idea: it's about when the knuckle-draggers ruled the Earth before man. Apparently, some of them didn't evolve...
"Black Sabbath" - Black Sabbath
Bet ya didn't know the first heavy metallers were also squatch-killers? Ozzy, Tony, Geezer, and Bill clearly wrote their self-titled song from their self-titled album about the wretched, hairy mongrol, right?
"Crumbs" - Ministry
Dr. Jourgensen was a little known cryptidzoologist. He is "famous" for discovering that bigfoot "likes the taste of shit on its tongue". Who knew?
"Victimizer" - Depressor
The greatest song ever written (by Depressor) doesn't exactly have... clear vocals. But I assume "Victimizer" is about how the yeti victimizes everything in its path. And by everything I mean small children...
"A Funeral Request" - Cathedral
You'll be making one soon. You spoke to it.
"Necropedophile" - Cannibal Corpse
Your dead child it defiles...
"Fecal Forgery" - Aborted
Svencho must have been studying the works of Dr. Jourgensen. Want proof?
"Piece of You" - Troglodyte
Coming in at number three is a little diddy by the original knuckle-draggers. But why is it not number one? You'll see...
"The Thing That Should Not Be" - Metallica
Some of the most true lyrics ever written. Thought this had to do with Lovecraft? You were so wrong...
- Fleshgod Apocalypse - "The Violation"
- Iron Maiden - "The Number of the Beast"
- Morbid Saint - "Crying for Death"
"A Living, Breathing Piece of Defecating Meat" - Cattle Decapitation
The number one slot on this list is held by Cattle Decap. The lyrics say it all...
- "The gestation has now mutated into what looks like a human
- It displays intellect and understands reproduction
- We should have stopped it before it got this far
- Released upon the populace this "thing" shall breed, emit its seed: a monstrous mold of cells resembling jellied meat assembly
- Putrid will be its offspring
- A throbbing, misshapen slug of a "human being"
- Fucking ugly and disgusting
- The missing link between feces and humanity
- Descending on the earth: contaminated seeds rife with disease" (some select lyrics)